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excuse me while i bitch ...

ahh lets see. its been a long time since ive posted. My life has had many ups and downs. but today was one of my lowest. Someone who i love and cherish has a friend let me down. Just when he said "I have to be honest with you. because lying to you is kiling me. and i want to follow God." AND In the same breath told me another bold face lie with many details i might add.. The thing that hurts the most is that when i asked him to give a wink and blow me a kiss as he came throught my town. he was more than willing to say ok. im sure he was lauging his ass off at my freaking  stupidity. How can i be soo blind and stoopid? I have loved and defended him to many. When he fucks up i comfort him. when hes sad i cry with him. when hes happy i smile and thank God for the good times in his life. I would have fought the devil himself for my friend. i loved him that much. When he says hes always cared for me. Im sure that was just another lie. When he says if i lived closer to him he would want a relationship more than friends with me.. that was another lie. When he says Im awesome and he does certain things to make me happy because i deserve it. lies lies all lies. a beautiful friendship was nothing but in my imagination.  He doesnt care  about me at all. Im just someone he toys with for his own pleasure and entertainment.  How can i be so damn stupid? how could i say i know him ..  The person i THOUGHT i knew was awesomely caring and kind. How can anyone say they want to serve God and do whats right and lie in the same breath.? i dont get it. Maybe he was afraid i would show up where he really is. idk.. but he also told others the same lie about where he was going. Right now im feel like the biggest idiot that ever lived. HOW CAN I BE SOOOOO STUPID? HE WILL NOT GET THE CHANCE TO LAUGH AT ME AGAIN. THIS I KNOW TO BE TRUE. Im gonna keep praying for my friend because i was totally honest in my feelings for him. One day maybe he will find that certain special somone that makes his world a better place and he will finally find peace and happiness. and im goin to learn NOT to trust people so easily.

Posted at Friday, July 02, 2004 by Scbeauty
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im lost

I have never wanted anyone like i want him. I have never  felt for anyone what i feel for him.. I dont know what to do..  he doesnt want me.  should i just stay away and forget he exsists? friends? Im lost .. I dont know what to do

Posted at Saturday, April 24, 2004 by Scbeauty
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wow! its been a long time since ive updated... hmm things have been crazy for me..
 i had an awesome weekend.. well friday night was.. Aaaon.. James.. Becca.. and Dre stayed here all night.. We stayed outside by the fire .. hahaa it was sweeet!  we all layed on the couch out there.. except dre.. he played in the fire.. Aaron is spoiled with MoJo's backrubs.. haha and becca  .. U  were laying on my boob!! hahaah nice and soft huh? haha  OMG! karsen we had that dance move down pat..  of course when she looked down my shirt and said < "OH  MY!".. hahha i dropped her! hahaah i got nice ones dont i? hahah Sorry your mom wouldnt let  u stay.. I love my friends.. it was awesome to catch up like we did...  great convos we all have.. we are so close we can finish each others sentences.. we jump from subject to subject faster than dre can keep up though.. haha we still love ya !  Let me also tell you.. trying to date somone that is as  close as a brother.. doesnt work.. maybe one day.. who knows.. but for now.. its just a recipe for disater. and i have come to find out that true friends mean soo much more than a bf.. at this age anyway... but i want a bf  soo bad... i want somone to share things with.. i have so much love to give..  there is somone that i want.. but it just isnt gonna happen..  not now anyway.. but i feel in my heart it will one day.. theres a connection i cant explain... i know he feels it too..
Spring break is next week!! im gonna hang out here cus im goin to New York the following week!! I got my JUMA sign ready for the Today show  Adam!!     HAHA Nate says im gonna be in shock when i get to  NY... he says  Im a good old country girl.. hahah i cant wait!! hahaha Nate.. Country goes to the city! i cant wait!  Ive never rode a train before so im excited about that    I leave  4/12 at 11pm  from greenville, sc.. and arrive in NY  4/13 3:30 pm I HOPE I CAN SLEEP  ON THE TRAIN!! IF anyone has taken a train trip before.. leave me some tips for sleeping.. haha im  kinda nervous and excited too..  gonna take tons of pics and i will post everthing when  i get back.. 

Posted at Monday, March 29, 2004 by Scbeauty
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haha what a fun day at school yesterday! had talent show practice.. i was majorly impressed! Some awesome talent! Morgan and I nailed out routine! Everyone was like WOW! Thats tight! haha  This chick that  is very qiet around school and know as the gurl  with the comb over  cus she pulls her  hair out blew me away! She sang and WHERE that voice came from is beyond me!! I was soooo proud to see her up there! Now maybe people will see her  differnently. She was awersome! It still gives me chills !!

Planning a gang night for fri!! hahah Dre gonna bring Bekker a bong! haha Aaron best watch out!! Bekker and  MoJo gonna get high and have a threesome with him! wahoooo hahahaah he best be scuured! Jenni has told everyone at Wren about Morgan and I.. hahah  thats hilarious! she is totally insane! Of course its OK what she did with REID!

Just cant wait til FRI!! all night at MOJo's Its been forever! haha HIDE MY CLOTHES!! hahahaahah  my brothers crack me up! just gonna build a fire.. cody man with his guitar... dre james.. bekker and me.. awesome!  haha fun times planned!

Well.. i said i wasnt gonna do it.. and i find myself trying out for cheerleader at the highschool... They say its gonna be diff next year.. and there are some cool people tryin out.. AHAHH! i  LOVE competin what can i say??? wish me  luck!

 Just a lil advice to anyone that reads this... When u are in a bad mood.. or just feel blue.. tell ur friends that u just arent yourself  or that you just arent in a talkin mood... or that u just feel like shit! When u jsut say ok..  o.. or just act like u are annoyed with someone it hurts their feelings... Thats just my opinion.. i cant  STAND it when Im done that way!! Online u cant see the persons face and all u haev to go on is when u are chattin in a great mood and they respond with   "O".. is that they dont wanna talk to you...  oh well.. thats my pet peeve... if u dont agree thats cool.. but please if u love me as ur friend respect my feelings too... ** climbing off soapbox now...***

Hope to see a certain someone this summer... PLEASE let it work out! 

 gotta book... much love to all my friends... MoJo! xoxoxo

Posted at Thursday, March 11, 2004 by Scbeauty
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Friday was the most awesome friday so far.... Karsen and  I had a bonfire at my house to celebrate our Bdays.. Mine= March 7 and  Karsens= March 8... We passed out flyers to all our friends at P'ville and Wren..  the final count of people was 96!! There were kids all over the farm! Some played volleyball with the glow in the dark volleyball.. we did have the hill side slightly lit with some lights .. but it was a full moon and the night was sweet.  Cody and Scott played guitar out by the fire.. which is always mega sweet to hear.. music played.. Spent alot of time with Morgan...  We just  have a strange relationship.. haha but we def always have fun!  The backside of this hill def was the makeout spot for some of those who just cant keep their hands off each other.  The farm was just filled with kids all just hanging out and  chilling .. eatin pizza and tons of airheads haha climbing on the  huge round hay bales. haha just sittin up there high on the hill ... full moon... just layin back and chattin.. was the best. Mooo Mooo  Mooooo goes the cow!!OMG! becca was soo high! hahaah   Im so proud of her and Cov .. they are learning to appreciate some stoner friends.. hahaha Josh is really sweet! People just need to gve him a chance..  u would just have to be here to understand..  It was sooooo good to see Lee,Eric, Brett, and Ryan .. its been a long time... They havent changed a bit! haha Brett "bobbig" for a drink! haha how long can u hold u head under ice water? haha that was hilarious! Thomas and me wrestling , haha my back still hurts where u threw me down. haha and  thanks for throwin me down right on front of blake! haha he was like WTF?? when I landed at his feet! all i could do was look up and say   WUTS UP?? haha what a goob i am! Thomas  is my buddy ...we went to karsens after and got in the hot tub ... just a few of us.. it was  awesome.. i want summer to get here sooo bad... there was just soo much that went on that night  i jsut cant  write about it all.. i love my friends soo much.. and when im sittin around having a bad day thinking im all alone .. im gonna look back on this night and know that i am very loved and blessed to have known all thes people and they were all here for me and karsen.. i am def not alone.. I am gonna make sure i make more time to spend with them.. What a sweet sweet night.. def one to always remember...   HAHA ANd in the mist of all this  Cricket. my cat, had her kittens upstairs under my loveseat  in my room!! i knew she was gonna have them  in here!!  Four kittens! they are soooo precious!


Jansen  has another love intrest already..  hope she can  be what i evidently couldnt be...
I dont know what it is i want really anymore.. There is somone i cant get outta my system and  we are gonna go out saturday night..  we always have fun.. I  Neither one of us can completely let go.. I have no  clue if anything more will ever develop ... oh well....  i jsut wanna go out and have a good time. haha racing gocarts at Frankies!! what could be more fun than that??  and lazer tag!! hahah I love Frankies!


today is my birthday!!
Church was  awesome today..I thought alot about my faith.. I  am not as close to God as i once was. I wandered off in search of happiness and love.. What i realised is He is the only place i am goint to find true love and peace. He is where i need to take my problems nd my desires. He is the one who gave Hs life for me.  He loves me unconditionally. and thats how i want to love people. There shouldnt be any strings on love. 
Had an awesome late lunch at kanpai! Yummy!  haha i love the way they make the volcano outta the onions! haha fire!

had alot of birhtday wishes today online! haha Ryan made me his away message all day! he  is soo sweet!

I had a dream about Adam and Nate being at my house and Adam dreamed he was here the same night that i had my dream! crrrrrrrazy! haha maybe that means we are gonna def meet that  night on the beach in july! that would be  sweet x 23265566321!! haha my dream was insane he couldnt remember all of his but he did say he knows we had fun!  Its the Greyman callin u to SC! haha thats  funny!
all in all it was an awesome weekend.. I let onething ruin my night last night.. But i am def  takin  hold of that situation...  its just not  worth fighting for anymore.. It wont ever happen.. and thats the way it is.  just friends. which is cool.. he the best friend anyone could ever want.


home sick..  have tons to do this week.. gotta get better... back to bed for me.. goodnight

Posted at Monday, March 08, 2004 by Scbeauty
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My friend

wow another post from me soo soon! i almost  gave up on a very  special friendship tonight.. Thank God i came to my senses... I need him in my life more than words can say...  All i want is for him to be happy... and that is way more important than anything i could ever imagine or want for myself. I will always be here for him and he knows this. He is the one that keeps me on track.. he lets me yell and cry and  get it all out then he says lets look at this again.. he always tells me the truth... and he cares alot about me and i know that ,, i dont need to ever question that again...He deserves more happiness that anyone i know.. he is the kindest.. most understanding . nonjudgemental.. lovin person i know.. he gladly puts himself and his problems aside for his friends.. NEVER have i needed him that he wasnt there for me and i will always do the same for him.. I have been very unfair to him these past week.. and i just wanted him to know how much he means to me and we can get passed anything and still be the best of friends.. as we grow old we do loose touch with the friends we knew in our youth but u my friend have found a place in my heart that will forever live on.. we have shared way too many things for me to ever forget. i hope u read this and know how much i love you and that i feel very honored and blessed to call u my friend..No one but us could ever understand how special our friendship is..and that's ok with me.. I am always goin to be here for you... just holla..

Posted at Friday, March 05, 2004 by Scbeauty
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happy...sad....kinda happy... better....

This week sucked and it started on sunday night. Monday night was the happiest and saddest day of my life.  I found out that someone  loves me and that was the happy part.. The sad part is they dont want to feel anything for me. thats all im gonna say on that.

My bday is Sunday and  karsen and i are having a bonfire here at the farm. Yeehaww! There are tons coming and we just realised that there are way more guys than gurls coming! haha how in the world did that happen! hahahaahah  Some new faces will be here.. Blake for one will be here.. I know him from my youth group.. weve grown up together at church but kinda gotten close the past few weeks. I saw him at Wren the other day.. and  he hit me how hot he is. and he is sooo sweet. Just and observation.. thats all.. hahaha awhh and he apoligised to me for not stopping and talkin to me .. his dad was in a hurry..that impressed me.. he didnt have to say anything... but he did...

Aaon,dre cant come becus of wrestlin out of town. i totally understand. but i will miss them soooo much. I am gonna need somone to keep me outta trouble. Morgan will be here.. and he says hes gonna be right up under me ALL night and hmmm sounds good to me.. hahaha  yea RIiiiiiiiiiight!   haha we will see... he will be pimpin  like all the rest.. hahah

I hope to have a blast and get back in the loop of my friends.. dating jansen for so long i gotta outta touch with them and i am not sittin home anouther fri or sat  night UNLESS  i have somone here to sit with me! **wink wink** I can tell u the next guy i date... things will be different .. I am in no hurry to rush into anything  and shut mysef all from all my friends again.  There is somone who will always have a part of my heart that  no one will ever touch. May 25,2008  is the day ive set aside for a very important road trip.! haha only one person might know where i am goin!! hahah

Im goin to see The Passion of the Christ on Sat. I will write about it then.

JULY is gonna rock if things work out! I got an invitation to meet somone on the beach one night! yeeeehawwww!! :-)

Posted at Thursday, March 04, 2004 by Scbeauty
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blue monday

I dont have the heart to write anymore... i am sad.. life isnt fair.. soo many miles between us..

Posted at Monday, March 01, 2004 by Scbeauty
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Its been awile since my last entry... i hope to  get back to keeping my journal up... Jansen and i broke up... we went out exactly 7 months and 13 days... ironic huh?> 7/13 was when we started goin out..

I went out last night and had a blast.. but when i got home all hell broke lose..  Jansen has lied to me..  I just want to forget everthing.. and move on...

I do want to take a poll.. Please leave comments... Ive been told that there is this unspoken rule of friendship between guys.. ' YOU never hang out with ur friends ex -gf under any circumstances.. "  Do all guys stand by this?? i personally think its stupid.. but thats me and thats why im not with Jansen anymore.. He says I am stupid and Dumb... Maybe I am.. Oh well... Opinions are like assholes... everyone has one..

My bday is coming up and  karsen and i are havin a bonfire and celebrate our bdays together... I wish sooo bad a certain person would be here...  i know it wont happen... ill just write a lil story about it ;-)

welp kiddies... ill write more later... just in a funk today... xoxxo

Posted at Saturday, February 28, 2004 by Scbeauty
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Feb 21,2004

¤WaNtIn u iSnT tHe hArDeSt pArT¤kNowIn tHaT i cAnT HaVe U¤iS wHaT bReAkS mY hEaRt¤
Sooooo true...thats all i can say about that statement..

Its been awhile since my last entry... I have so many thing on my mind these days... Love isnt suppose to be this hard.. i didnt think..  I just cant seem to get a handle on things... Jansen is always critizing me and I dont know how much more i can take... I do love him.. but enough already...  At this point who knows if we are gonna make it.. i just want to be loved and cared for and i can joke around and have fun... but i dont like being called dumb.. and he says that all the time! I KNOW he is very very smart... and i know i dont have a clue  about somethings hes talkin about... but teach me.. dont dismiss me.. or call me dumb just becuase u dont agree.. heck u are entitled to ur beliefs.. as well as i am mine.. AND so what if i say somthing that doesnt makes sense... hahah its fun! if i wanna make up words or just act goofy then i will! **climbing off soapbox now...
School is fast coming to an end... and i cant wait! Summer hurry!!
Although this will be my last summer here on the farm.. My dad is selling... and we wil move..  Its will be sweet though... Change is good..

Workin the Mr Wren Padgent tonight.. Come see me in all my western glory! hahahah  Its gonna be a hoot! i will def post pics..

Welp thats about all i have this entry.. im soo lazy... i have got to keep this  thing updated.. haha i even have another site i share with  some others..

Im thinking about putting some words into "action" haha Like in filmn! hahahah inside ..  u know who u are!

peace be with ya.... xoxox MoJo

Posted at Saturday, February 21, 2004 by Scbeauty
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